Summer is quickly approaching, or at least I like to lie to myself and pretend that it's warmer outside than it is because I am SO SICK of recycling the same jeans every week. Back in the old days, spring and summer meant going to the beach, no more school, and outdoor activities (which was mostly forced golf lessons at the ass crack of dawn). Then all of a sudden, I woke up, realized I was 25 and spring and summer transformed into "Wedding Season" instead of "let's work on my tan and see what a waste of life I can be" season. Seriously, everyone AND THEIR MOM is getting married (which is like super sad because that means these moms were previously married, had babies, and are now actually lapping me with marriage numbers 1, 2, or 3). It's not that I'm bitter, I'm just not ready to accept that I'm that old. HELLO why do you think I chose to stay in school until I'm 27? It wasn't ONLY to ride out the recession, it was also to avoid real life responsibilities that I disguised as "furthering my education." It becomes highly problematic when these other people are advancing in their lives and hosting events that require me to pay for things without any advance on the pay check I won't be receiving for another 2 1/2 years. Plus I'm pretty sure "do it yourself" wedding gift arts n crafts are not acceptable once your older than the flower girl (but my popsicle stick bride comes with lots of glitter and her own accessories!).
So now that you're invited to all these weddings, and you haven't been assigned bridesmaid duty, you have to figure out what to wear. Wait, back up, you weren't asked to be a bridesmaid? What'd you do? You made the mistake of telling your friend in college that she looked fat in that semi-formal dress, didn't you? BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE BEING HONEST, I THOUGHT SHE WANTED TO TRUTH. Or maybe when she and her boyfriend (now future husband) were fighting you told her that you thought he was a tool and not good enough for her. BUT HE WAS ACTING LIKE A JERK, I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD LAST! Or maybe it was that third time in a row that you got drunk and ate her frozen pizza. BUT I WAS SO HUNGRY, AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN! Whatever the reason is, which you are all now secretly thinking about, you're a D lister to the event whether or not you want to admit it. You're basically Paris Hilton showing up to the Teen Choice Awards- so how do you play it? Do you go with a really bland dress to try and blend into the background and hope no one asks you how you know the bride so you don't have to face the realization that all your other friends in "the group" were asked to be in the wedding? Do you wear the tightest dress you can find, not eat for three weeks, and make sure everyone of the bridesmaids is INSANELY jealous of how amazing you look in your non-satin-with-a-bow-I-will-never-wear-it-again monstrosity? Decisions, Decisions.
Since it’s a wedding, no matter what beautiful tan you’ve been working on this summer, white is out, but, luckily, color is so SO in right now. And EVERYONE looks good in bright colors– also a win. My perfect inspiration comes from http://profashionelle.com, which puts together full outfits and features them on their website several times a month. I adore the spreads they put together; they literally make me salivate because they are perfection. Wow, that’s gross. Anyway, I saw this and thought- HELL TO THE YEAH (oh my god I’ve been watching WAY too much Hell Cats… it’s best if you don’t know what that show is) nothing makes you pop like a nice bold orange or coral. But, before you take another step, you better make sure that bride who doesn’t like you as much as you thought (OH NOW I REMEMBER, IT’S BECAUSE THE GROOM TOTALLY TRIED TO MAKE OUT WITH ME THAT ONE TIME THEY BROKE UP BECAUSE HE GOT HER A TERRIBLE VALENTINE’S GIFT!) hasn’t already read what’s hot this season, and chosen orange for her bridesmaid dresses… cause otherwise it’ll look like you tried to pathetically disguise yourself as the bridesmaid you were never asked to be.
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I know, I know- did she say orange? But seriously, I think it's a bold move in all the right ways. You will clearly STAND OUT, if the wedding goes terribly you can always direct traffic in the parking lot and pick up a few bucks, AND you are guaranteed to not get run over by any of the guests leaving the reception as you walk to your car since their headlights will surely reflect off your dress.
So how the hell am I supposed to pull of orange? Have faith my friends. Unless you are a red-head, orange looks good on just about every skin color. It definitely looks best with a beautiful tan, but spray tan and fake baking goddesses BEWARE. Like "an eye for an eye", orange on orange leaves the whole world blind. Being only a few shades away from invisible, I know and respect the need to self tan. I mean hell, my aunt is the women who while sitting in traffic going into NYC realized that you can, “Go into the Holland Tunnel and come out tan” with the right roll on self tanner (Yes, I know- Is that not the MOST AMAZING BRIDGE AND TUNNEL THING YOU’VE EVER HEARD? WHY HAS NJ TRANSIT NOT COME UP WITH THIS IDEA? ALL THEIR BUDGET PROBLEMS WOULD BE SOLVED!) All judgement aside, don’t act like you aren’t impressed.
But seriously you don’t want the bride’s cute, single, not gay cousin whose in med school to be looking at you and furiously coming up with a differential
1. Hmm maybe she ate too many carrots, or too many pumpkins (I only know this since my other aunt once turned her ankles orange)
2. Vitamin A toxicity from eating bear.. ew, who eats bear? What a hick!
3. Hemachromatosis!! Hepatomegaly, diabetes mellitus, and tanned skin! The official TRIAD!
4. Addison’s disease? I’ll have to monitor how often she’s peeing
5. Toxic radiation…? Maybe 3 mile island is leaking again
So my favorite options for a bold, “best man” stealing orange dress, come from Jessica Simpson’s clothing line. Yes, Jessica-Simpson-I-am-unable-to-design-a-dress-that-adequately-fits-me of all people had the most options. Despite the wardrobe malfunctions, I gotta respect the girl because she is laughing all the way to the bank with her line of clothing and shoes, and to be honest, they are pretty cute. I’m not totally sure about the quality so you’ll have to fill me in, but it looks pretty descent.
I’m torn about the shoes that are featured in the Profashionelle spread. I always think white shoes look kind of cheap, so I’d stick with a really light neutral color, a bone or a pale or antiqued gold. I’ve included a few options I think might work below.
So good luck, and remember, the key to catching the bouquet is getting all the other contenders really drunk and then splashing your drink in their eyes right before they leap to grab the flowers.
Click on the colored links!
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| Jessica Simpson "Oversized Ruffle Dress" $148 www.jessicasimpsoncollection.com |
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| Jessica Simpson "Belted V-Neck Dress" $98 available at www.jessicasimpsoncollection.com |
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| Jessica Simpson "Belted Halter Dress" $98 available at www.macys.com or www.jessicasimpsoncollection.com |
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| Top Shop "Tangerine Sleeveless Tuck Detail Dress" $95 available at www.us.topshop.com |
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| BCBGeneration "Sleeveless Notched V-Neck Keyhole Back" on sale $69.99 available at www.macys.com |
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| Silence and Noise "Silky Double-Layer Dress" $69 available at www.urbanoutfitters.com |
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| Asos "Tailored Dress with Pleated Skirt" $89.65 available at www.us.asos.com |
LE SHOES
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| Charles David "Women's Bangles Platform Sandal" on sale $95.73- $134.28 available in camel and gold www.endless.com |
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| Charles by Charles David "Women's Flight Ankle-Strap Sandal" $101.50 available at www.endless.com |
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| BCBG "Tulle Shoe" $89.99 available at www.heels.com |
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| Lulu's "Bamboo Recap 15 Ivory Knotted Bow Peep Toe Woven Wedge Heel" $34 available at www.lulus.com |
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Guess "Odana" $89.99 available at www.heels.com |
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| Guess "Nazir 2" $89.99 available at www.heels.com |
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| Guess "Orbin" $90 available at www.shop.guess.com |
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| BCBG "Darling" $89.99 available at www.heels.com |
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