Run Bitch Run

Athleta "Reflective Chase Skort"

I understand that for those of you who didn't go to Notre Dame and didn't have the pleasure of knowing who Ron Talley was, the title to this post will be lost on you. But for those of you who did, I think we can all agree that Ron Talley stories were a favorite ND past time.

So the other day I finally decided to invest in a new pair of running shoes, which is really just an excuse for me to walk around Dick's Sporting Goods and browse the workout apparel. I don't know why I love workout apparel so much, I guess I secretly wish I had the money and body to purchase all these matching lycra/spandex outfits. But really, even if I did, the only girls who pull off matching gym outfits are also the girls who only "glisten" when they go to the gym. Sweat stains and dripping sweat are simply foreign to them, even though they are at the gym before I arrive and are still there when I leave. These mythical gym robots never cease to entertain and amuse me.

As I walked through the aisles imagining that I could one day be worthy of gym robot status if I had every single one of my sweat glands botoxed, I came across the "workout skort". Initially, I HATED IT. I feel like how can anyone take you seriously as any form of athlete when you are wearing a skirt? I remember the days of playing girls lacrosse, when not only did guys make fun of us because the whistle blows every ten seconds and you can't make physical contact, but on top of that you are running around with a skirt on, which basically negates the intimidation of the big stick you're carrying. It also didn't help when girls decided to rock matching colorful bows and wear only thong underwear under these skirts (I on the other hand, did not want to miss an opportunity to wear electric blue shiny spandex underneath). Maybe the thong wearing, matching fake-baked teams (cough, cough West Essex, cough, cough) only existed in New Jersey, but it was a crime.
But then I got to thinking more about when a skort might be appropriate, and I came up with these few reasons.

1. Golf and tennis- it is absolutely appropriate to wear a workout skort. Tennis has always been more accepting of the girly outfits, so it seems fitting. For golf, I started wearing a skort because I refuse to wear the big, lesbian pleated bermuda shorts down to my knees. And also, when my dad told me after putting on the freshman fifteen in college, that my butt was big enough to be featured in the LPGA, I decided a skort might be a crafty way to hide the new addition.

2. Skorts are acceptable for anyone who might be a camel toe perpetrator. Yeah, I went there, and you should know who you are. I understand that wearing spandex limits the type of underwear you can wear because of underwear lines, but when you decide to go sans underwear, well, EVERYONE NOTICES. I'm all for vagina power and what not, but labia flapping in the wind is not the way to promote women's rights. At least a skort would cover that shiz up, so please, for the love of my eye sight, invest in a sport skort.

3. Running- maybe I'm some sort of a tom boy at heart, so I would probably not wear one to run, but there is no reason why it can't be acceptable, so I support it.

Right now Athleta is ALL about the sport skort, since it's the only new thing they've come up with since yoga outfits to feature. The video on their site is sort of hilarious because it claims that sport skorts will let you "Leap higher, spin faster, and run cooler," because they are, "light, airy stretchy, and breathable." 80% of that is complete crap because I can't think of anything more awkward than cycling in a skort or how they are any lighter or more breathable than typical dry fit spandex, but whatever, what do I know other than everything?

So here are a few acceptable options, so when Ron Talley tells you to RUN BITCH RUN, at least you can do it "higher, faster, and cooler".

Athleta "Reflective Chase Skort"
$59
available in 4 colors at www.athleta.com

Athleta "Sweet Sport Skort"
$59
available in 5 colors at www.athleta.com

Adidas "Women's Tennis Competition Skort"
$45
available at www.diskssportinggoods.com

"My interests are 'Money, Money Schemes', but I could get behind the skort"