Floral prints make me want to go back to 1993 and kill myself

Well so much for a subtle intro, but I feel quite passionately about the subject matter. The floral print makes a mandatory appearance in every decade, and I each time, I close my eyes and wait for it to pass (in the whole two and a half decades I've been around). But starting in 2009, it wasn't just any floral print that started making it's way onto the scene, but an exact replica of all that was evil about the early 90's. For the most part, I love the 90's... well mostly 90's rock music, and I can even appreciate combat boots and a little flannel shirt grunge as long as I get to shamelessly rock out to some Nirvana and Bush without judgement. But 90's floral makes me nauseous and starts to resonate old memories of bad fashion from "Saved by the Bell", "My So Called Life" (which is fine if you just stared at jared leto), and, even worse, "Blossom". I mean, SERIOUSLY, what is attractive about the below photos? Yes, you in the back, go ahead and answer. "Umm...the answer would be NOTHING!" And that, my friends, is correct.

Look at me, I look like Willy Wonka on crack

High School is so hard because everything I wear looks like floral vomit 

I hate my life because I'm dressed like a four year old

 So who do I hold responsible for this trend, and what the hell am I supposed to do with it? Well, Rihanna, of all people. I know everyone praises Rihanna for being such a "daring fashionista", but let's get real here for a minute- when I look at Rihanna, 99% of the time I think she looks horrible, like she's trying to hard, and like she's questionably insane. I mean just look at that shiteous red hair (which at one point was preceded by some weird half shaved number)- I hope she has enough sense to blame one of her stylists for that disaster, otherwise, I blame it on Chris Brown... he's pretty much responsible for all that is evil in the world anyway, right?
Well shockingly, the girl  rocked a relatively cute floral dress by a brand called Parker. So I thought, let me investigate this further, maybe I can reach a peace agreement with floral prints. So, after basically developing optic neuritis from staring at so many hideous floral numbers, I think I settled upon a few reasonable options that won't cost you a fortune or cause me to vomit when I look at you.

RiRi- The culprit
image from
http://fashionbombdaily.com/2009/08/10/splurge-of-the-day-rihannas-parker-floral-cami-dress/

So here are a few really cute dresses from the Parker line- all of them are sold at www.shopbop.com. I adore the first one, but they are the most expensive options.

Parker Floral Cami Dress
$187

Parker Baby Doll Dress
$242

Parker "Multi Flower Cami Dress"
$187

I've stumbled across what I will refer to as "floral monet dresses"- they don't come out and scream floral and they look a bit more painterly. So I guess my first solution is to wear something that is not obviously a floral print. 

Madewell "Floral Croquet Dress"
$168
www.madewell.com

Aqua "Floral Printed Tank"
$58
www.bloomingdales.com

Silence and Noise "Mesh Dress" in Purple Multi
$59
www.urbanoutfitters.com

Forever 21 "Abstract Rose Print Dress"
$24.80
www.forever21.com

Aqua "Sleeveless Printed Jersey Dress"
$68
www.bloomingdales.com

Jessica Simpson "Confetti Dress"
$108
www.jessicasimpsoncollection.com

Asos "Smudged Print Tulip Dress"
on sale $60.05
www.us.asos.com

But if you dare to walk the oh so precarious edge between 90's hideous and fashionable floral, then I've got a few options for the risk takers. Beware, because it can be a slippery slope in "courtney love-dom" (Fun Fact: google image search pictures of courtney love, and I promise you, you won't be able to sleep for a week). I must admit with all my anti-floral ranting, that I actually own the first one, and it's pretty adorable on.

Express "Ruffled-Front Belted Dress" in ultimate pink
on sale $55.93
www.express.com

Forever 21 "Watercolor Floral Dress"
$19.90
www.forever21.com

Madewell "Tea Rose Dance Dress"
$148
www.madewell.com

Madewell "Painted Petal Gala Dress"
on sale $108

Aqua "Spaghetti Strap Tiered Bust Dress"
$88
www.bloomingdales.com

And for those of you, who just freakin love flowers/can't get enough of them/want to roll around in a bed of floralness 

Forever 21"High Tea Floral Dress"
$19.80
www.forever21.com