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| The Bandage Elite |
1. You have to have MAD CASH $$ to even think about looking at one of these little numbers (I bet the sales women at Saks are commanded to keep them in the back room and only bring them out for clients who flash their/their husband's black cards, or who have names like "Cher", "Beyonce" or Giselle") since I've yet to find one that's less than a $1000. I'm not sure why, unless it is literally spun from gold (Rumpelstiltskin has now become Rump-Svelte-Skintight), but that's the beauty of fashion, make it unaffordable to the masses, and celebrities every where will pounce on that opportunity to be elite. I suppose, however, when you have D list celebrities like Kardashian sisters, especially Kim (who, for the record, has never left her house in something NOT SKIN TIGHT AND MADE OUT OF SPANDEX since the days of her feuding with Paris Hilton) it takes away some of the credibility. In fact, her wax figure at Madame Tussaud's is even wearing a skin tight bandage dress (now that's dedication). But who is HL to judge? Money is money, whether it comes from reality TV "stars" or oscar nominees.
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| Do you think she looks better than me? |
2. You also better have lots of CASH $$ (I feel the need to emphasize cash $ excessively) set aside for a trainer before you even consider going into the dressing room with a bandage dress, even just for fun. I love clothing that deceives, because no one's body is perfect and half the battle of fashion is finding what works for your figure. Well, forget figure, the only F words that should be in your vocabulary when contemplating any of these dresses is "Fat Free, Famine, and Free weights." Since most of us weren't born models, and have jobs (ha that's funny, cause I don't have a job, but I like to pretend that school is the reason why I'm not 100 pounds because studying requires lots of brain food, aka chocolate, right?) so we don't have the time or money for a personal trainer (even if the new Kim Karadashian commercial for "Shape Up" sneakers claims that these ridiculous shoes can replace an exceptionally good looking personal trainer, common sense, and scientific evidence have proven otherwise)
3. You need to have exceptionally awesome genes. Even if you have the money, sought out the trainer, never touched a carb in the last five years, and somehow acquired hyperthyroidism, not everyone is going to look good in this dress. That's why super models keep wearing these dresses, just remind us that the word SUPER has meaning- like super freak, superman, and super not fair that I was not born with Giselle's body, mostly because I never would have made the mistake of marrying that clown, Tom Brady. There is really only one body type that works in this dress- skinny with a side of big boobs. I've seen some "curvier" celebrities, pull it off, but curvy is just a synonym for tiny tiny waist and boobs. The perfect example of this mythical creature is Marisa Miller, the Victoria's Secret model, who is arguably the most annoying woman on the planet. I mean she seems lovely, but her existence is the continuous reminder that as much as you work out, you were not born tall and blonde with six pack abs and boobs.
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| Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful |
4. The day you are going to wear this dress, no matter who you are, water and food in general are your enemies. So just accept that after all your gym time, good genes, and money spent, the homestretch to dress time is all about ice chips and perseverance. I suppose if you are a model, or a male wrestler, this is just a way of life that you've excepted.
But with all the odds against me (short stature, brunette, BMI not below 18, no personal trainer, etc etc) I was not content with accepting that I can't somehow incorporate the bandage theme into my wardrobe. At first, I was pretty psyched when BCBG took the bandage idea and turned it into some really cute skirts because I love the look of a tight, high waisted skirt with a cute, looser fitting top. Until I realized, that
1. These were still very expensive
2. They are never so much as featured on a model unless her iliac crests are popping out because her stomach is totally concave, and...
3. God forbid you have to pee and can't find a bathroom in this compression stalking of a skirt
STILL I PERSEVERED, and after sorting through skirts made of cheap material that seemed to bulge more than bandage, weird waist bands that are tighter than the rest of the skirt, or awkward zippers that also bubble instead of laying flat across your body, I finally came across this little number from Urban Outfitters (the things that I do for you people). I haven't washed it yet, which I will have to do on the gentlest of gentle cycles in frigid waters, but the zipper actually lays flat, and the tiered fabric of the skirt gives the impression of "bandage" while still letting you breathe. It's available in several colors (blue, black, and cream are my favorite), and I would absolutely recommend ordering it in a size up from your normal. So Giselle, Kim, Beyonce, and Marisa, who's laughing now? Eh, probably still you...but can you at least respect my tenacity?
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| Silence and Noise "Zipper Miniskirt" $48 click link above or www.urbanoutfitters.com |
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