I would not Smack that all over the floor

So I was minding my own business and unwinding after work today hoping to just relax. La, la, la, la... wait what the fuck? Is that Akon (one) on a segway? My first thought was "AWESOME" mostly because it reminds me of the magician brother in Arrested Development. But, naturally, my eyes began to wander down and... wait seriously? Are you really wearing a fanny pack? Please don't tell me we're trying to bring that shit back. I don't even think the hipsters have sunk that low...that's a lie, they probably have, but is that who you're really striving to be now? I can just hear Akon trying to defend himself now, "A$, baby, it's just a fine leather wallet." (Me speaking in fine puerto rican accent) Mmmm hmmm...  listen boi, you can dress it up all you want with designer jeans and chains, throw on some louie v print all over that shit (exaggerated hand motions in a circle to show off my new fake nails), but it's still a glorified fanny pack no matter how you break it down. And I can't be walking around with some idiota in a fanny pack, I have a reputation, people know me.

If you envision him singing "I wanna make love right now now now" in this picture it makes it so much more entertaining 

Akon: "But it's European!" Don't even, Don't even...you think you fancy, huh? Well you look like a chica because not only are you wearing a fanny pack, but you dropped a lot of cash money on it just because it's got that tacky LV all over it. Congratulations, papi, estas muy tonto. 

Of course I didn't have to look far to figure out who's behind this... my arch fashion nemesis, Rihanna.  A few years back she tried to rock the LV fanny pack, I think because she just likes to make me angry. RIRI GO SIT AND YOUR ROOM AND LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE....

I single handedly hold you responsible for letting people like this think it's okay to dress like this 

Aren't there laws against this? C'mon dude, this is a family place

I still don't understand why it's called a "fanny pack" if it doesn't actually cover up your butt... very perplexing 

Whoever this dude is never had a shot at getting a woman to begin with... but really, is that how you want to dress up your crotch?