I Will Stab You With My Stiletto

Yeah that's right, those are fightin words. And they are words that I think are appropriate to use on a regular basis just to let people know how seriously angry I am. Threatening to "cut people" is so casual these days that even my 88 year old grandpa uses it (fact, don't try to take a man's recliner). But, using a stiletto, now there's something original. What the hell is wrong with you? You might be asking, but at this point, are you even surprised? On a serious note, I grew up with a very paranoid mother and grandmother who have really insulted my fierceness all these years by demanding that I call whenever I get to where I'm going or always travel with a friend, etc etc. Granted, a wrong turn in Elizabeth, NJ one time made me realize just how fierce I wasn't, and what a panic attack feels like. So, I consider it my responsibility and in keeping with my genetic predisposition to pass on a level of awareness and paranoia to all of you. Ladies, it is a tough world out there, and I am not advocating that you pull a THELMA CARTER but there's no reason fashion and self defense cannot be allies. I mean what if you don't have time for self defense classes or your bottle of mace runs out? Concealed weapons rarely fit into clutches and wristlets, and we all saw what happened to Plaxico Burress who forgot to pop on his safety while he was busy poppin bottles in da club. Unless you're willing to wear a laura croft thigh high gun strap, which you can buy on amazon.com btw, a stiletto is the best and most fashionable alternative. PLUS I'm pretty sure you would earn mad street cred if you legit took down an assailant with a stiletto heel.

Where's PETA when I need them? Aren't hot dogs and bacon enough for  you people!

     It would be wrong of me to assume full credit for my stiletto stabbing ways without paying respect to my inspirations. First I'd like to give a shout out to a few high school boys who dared to dream big and created the world's most ridiculous joke band "Pig Mutilator" that sometimes took themselves little too seriously at high school parties when were forced to listen to them sing and jump around nun costumes... sometimes you have to be creative living in suburbia. Well these angsty teenage boys wrote a song entitled "Give Me Death By a Stiletto Heel". Yeah, I also thought WTF when it came about, but now I see their pure genius. In case you'd like to check out some of their other fine work CLICK HERE... "Gonnasyphiherepelaids" is really an innovative piece of public health awareness.

Self defense has never looked so good

     But where there is genius, there is usually Christian Louboutin, and naturally, where there is Christian Louboutin, close behind follows Jennifer Lopez. I like to think that CL was scanning the internet a year ago, since according to Wiki he went through a "punk phase", and stumbled upon Pig Mutilator's work, immediately causing a light bulb to go off in his head. Yes, he would have thought in a french accent, all this time I've been designing shoes to make women's feet beautiful, since I am French, and that is what we do, but what if designed a shoe for self-defense? Maybe the French could finally reverse the stereotype that they are total pansies who always lose in battle if every Parisian woman was outfitted in spiked heels!  Yup, that's what hes thought, us geniuses, we understand each other. Well lucky for CL he had a lovely little latin minion to sell the idea to the world 1 year ago when Jennifer Lopez rolled into the 2011 Grammy's in this ensemble. Normally, I applaud any and all attempts at things aggressive and shiny... but I just hope she was also wearing some spiked and reflective underwear so her trip out of the limo didn't attract negative attention and reflect poorly on her character... see what I did there, it's called a pun.

I can't wait to use these spiky little numbers to push my way to the front of the bathroom line

Obligatory close up for full appreciation 

     What? You're still not TOTALLY sold that you want a pair of these immediately? Let me talk through five key and important every day scenarios where these shoes come in handy.

1. Aside from self defense, just wearing the shoes alone earns you a level of respect. What idiot in their right mind would start trouble with you when you walk into the room wearing those? Teddy Roosevelt always said "speak softly and carry a big stick", I like to think Hilary Clinton could create her own rendition of this with "speak softly and walk all over international leaders in spiked heels." Hilary, hunny, you let me know when you need someone to update your look from those monochromatic skirt suits, and I am there for you, in the name of diplomacy, of course.

2. Have you ever been at a bar and some hussy comes up and starts hitting on your man? (if you said no, you're boyfriend probably isn't cute, and you should dump him immediately) Well you don't really want to make a scene and get in her face which only makes YOU look bad, but you also don't want to just sit there and not do anything about it. Problem solved- casually walk by her in these, jam the side of your heel into her, disappear into the crowd. Voilà problem solved. 

3. Ever been out on the dance floor and people keep pushing and shoving you because it's so crowded? Pretty sure no one is going to be pushing and shoving up against a porcupine stiletto automatically earning you a 2 foot radius of booty dropping freedom

4. Ever needed to shot gun a beer, everyone gathers around in excitement, but there are no keys to be found? Yup, you know where this is going

5. Lastly, how many times do you get stuck with a tag on your clothes that you don't want to just rip off but you can't find a pair of scissors anywhere? Don't sweat it, you've got an instant swiss army pocket knife right in front of your toes. 

I'm going to assume my art of persuasion has worked its magic and you are all BEGGING me to provide you with spiked options. Well naturally we all desire to own a pair of Louboutins, but our bank accounts don't always support these noble aspirations. So I am here to ensure that no female foot goes unarmed in this world. 

Sam Edelman "The Roza Shoe"
$225
CLICK HERE 

Ziginy "Sly- Black Leather"
$199.99
CLICK HERE or go to www.heels.com

Dolce Vita "Phea"
$109.99
CLICK HERE or go to www.heels.com

Promise Shoes "Manchi"
$59.99
CLICK HERE or go to www.heels.com

Sam Edelman "Lorna"
$109.99
CLICK HERE or go to www.piperlime.com

Betsey Johnson "Caseyy"
$99
CLICK HERE or go to www.piperlime.com

Steve Madden "Partyy-R"
$130
CLICK HERE or go to www.piperlime.com

Sole Boutique "The Iron Maiden Pump"
$37.95
CLICK HERE or go to www.karmaloop.com

Zigi Shoes "The Strike Shoe"
$69.95
CLICK HERE or go to www.karmaloop.com 

Sam Edelman "The Scarlett Shoe"
$200
CLICK HERE or go to www.karmaloop.com

Colin Stuart "Studded Pump"
on sale $39.99
CLICK HERE or go to www.victoriassecret.com

Two Lips "Studded Sandal"
on sale $69.99
CLICK HERE or go to www.victoriassecret.com

Jessica Simpson "Faran"
on sale $59.99
CLICK HERE or go to www.jessicasimpsoncollection.com

Steve Madden "Brilance"
$99.95
CLICK HERE or go to www.stevemadden.com